Corporatese

I wrote a list of some of the interesting and funny business jargon. The idea behind each is correct, and I’ve written what they mean 🙂

  • “Bring to the table”  – refers to what one offers or provides, especially in negotiations.
  • ETA – Estimated Time Of Arrival. Estimated time to completion of a task, as in “I need an ETA on your project, Dilbert, or shit is gonna hit the fan at corporate!”
  • “Shit hits the fan” – When things get chaotic or uncontrollable, shit has hit the fan.
  • GmbH – Gesellschaft mit beschränkter Haftung. A legal entity whose owners are not personally liable for the company’s debts. (This is actually correct).
  • Facetime – Time spent speaking face to face, especially to senior management, as in “I need to arrange some facetime with you next week.”
  • Leverage – A word which is used indiscriminately to describe how a resource can be applied to a particular environment or situation.
  • Monetize – Bring home the bucks! The primary aim of greedy Web enthusiasts in finding out how to make money off each click, page view visitor count, and so on.

  • “At the end of the day” – What every management guy ends every 4th sentence with. It is same as “when all is said and done.”
  • SWOT – Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities, Threats. It could also stand for a Student WithOut Talent.
  • Traction – Usually preceded by “Gain.” No one knows what it means, probably something to do with car tyres.
  • Synergy – Sounds like energy, but does not seem to have the positive meaning of it. It is the value gained by combining two or more companies or divisions, a.k.a, “corporate merger.”
  • Secret Sauce – Something valuable, flagship and proprietary, like the taste of Coca Cola. Although, Mecca Cola (http://goo.gl/aR9t) has a similar taste!
  • Robust – A software which is not even remotely buggy and works well even under remote conditions. Also known as, something-which-doesn’t-exist.
  • R&D – Research and Development. No one does both, if at all one. And one does not result from the other.
  • OOO – Out Of the Office.
  • FYI – For Your Information. Why don’t you just say the information immediately, instead of saying “FYI” before it?
  • FYIA – For Your Immediate Action. Like that’s any better than FYI to get the job done.
  • Conflict resolution – Fight Club of the corporate world!
  • User-centric – A developer’s way of saying “I don’t care!”
  • PR – Public Relations, a.k.a kiss-ass.

Please suggest more in the comments 🙂

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s